Classic Comments
Being a 'real live author' and INSET provider takes me into many schools, libraries, etc, where I meet any number of interesting people. Here are some of their comments. They keep me humble and amused...
These are from children, bless their hearts -
Year 7 girl hurries over for an autograph. There I am surrounded by a display of my publications. She gasps and points and says excitedly - " I nearly read that book!"
After another such autograph an innocent 11-year-old asks, " Will it be worth more when you're dead?" ('Not to me' I mutter).
And again - " Thank you for the signature. When you're famous I'll be able to tell people I knew you when you were nobody."
" Are you famous?"( I get this one a lot).
" Are you J. K. Rowling?" (I get this one nearly as much).
" You look like Tony Blair." (Could be worse or could it? One kid said I looked like Bruce Forsyth. It was nice to see her).
A Y4 girl hurries over and very excitedly asks if I'm Mr Booklet the writer.
From a Year 8 boy who immediately realised the faux pas... " Do you hope to become a professional writer one day?"
" Thank you for signing my book, Steve. I can sell it for more on eBay now."
During a writing workshop I was pointing out that when speech is written 'sometimes it ain't proper.' One child looked at me rather disdinfully and said, 'Stephen it isn't "ain't" it's "hain't."'
On another occasion I asked a Y4 class how they might recognise a good story. One little girl said 'You know it's good when you're inside the story, all of you is in there and you are nowhere else in the world.' Both the class teacher and I filled up!
One child of about eight years old told this very seriously - " My little sister loves to write stories, but when she writes them down they're just squiggles because she's only four."
A Y4 girl comes over and says 'Is that your book? Did you write all of it?' 'Yes.' 'Wow,' she says, 'You've got really neat writing haven't you!' (I have to admit that this anecdote was told to me by another author).
During an author talk when the students found out I was a Hypnotherapist, one boy put his hand up and said " Steve, will you hypnotise me and turn me into a dog?" I said " Walk up the corridor now and be bark in two minutes." Nobody got it.
Dear Steve Bowkett (writes one Y7 boy) I enjoyed your talk and thought most of it was funny (we got to miss French!). P.S. I like your Dalek tie.
What powerful; imaginations children have! I ran a visualisation workshop during which I pretended to eat an apple (multisensory thinking, VAK - you know). When I'd finished I asked a six-year-old if he'd look after the apple core for me. I gave him the imaginary core and continued with the session. Forty minutes later as I thanked everyone for coming the little boy held out his hand to me. 'What's that for?' I wondered. 'It's your apple core. I was keeping it for you remember - but now I'm giving it back.'
At the end of a workshop session the teacher was trying to quieten the children and tidy up ready for break. She said " Did I lend any of you equipment? I said... (Continuing noise and hubbub) Children, will you wave your equipment in the air please!"
Real Live Author says " Now as you know there are three parts to making a story..." (thinking, writing, reviewing). Real Live Wire replies " Sit down, shut up and get on with it."
I'd been showing a year 4 class some of my books, including Philosophy Bear and the Big Sky. Later the children were asking questions and one little girl wondered 'How long did it take you to write Colostomy Bear and the Big Sky?
Spotted in a pupil's English notebook... 'Transition: Objective - to extract textual evidence to support notes and points.' Something tells me these are not the child's own words. She goes on... 'Rule - When I come across a word with a silent letter I should always brake it down into sillyballs / phonetics to make shore I spell it correctly.' Perhaps you find, as I do, that it's what the rules don't cover that makes life interesting.
hi its chelsey. Im from the school you visited last week and I was the 1 wearing the blue scarf and a red coat. My friend Melinda said hi she was the one that was on the front row, shes ginger. but i like her that way. I have finished allotment ghost. did you really jump on garage roofs or was that part of the story. I like the part about Old man Jones where he faked his own death. that was so cool and funny. you had me in fits of laughter and i got told off because mum was in the middle of a film. Well I will start to read the passenger and hope i have as much fun reading that as i did reading your first 1. I have to go now because I need to go tidy my room. p.s. I love the ties. from chelsey x
Written in the grime on a white motor in the staff car park (by a Year 9 perhaps?) 'I wish my girlfriend was this dirty!'
And spotted recently on the door in the English block ' assroom E3 Mr Smith'.
And from adults, who should know better...
Notice to All Staff Re Author Visit: We do have at least one of Steve's books in school that I purchased last time he came. Not sure where though now. Somewhere in the library I would think.
It's great when folks know that you are visiting: greeting me in the foyer of a school recently - Welcome to our school Mrs Birkett.
Here's another one - though it takes some skill to get a first name wrong. I'm saying to the boy on the left 'Look interested for God's sake!' and he's thinking 'Who's the old fart in the blue shirt anyway?'
And on another occasion a Head Teacher introduced me to the school in an assembly thus - 'And I'd also like to welcome our special guest today, Mr... Em. Mr... (looks over at me for a prompt. I pretend I haven't noticed) Our author.'
Or how about this one - 'And Mr Bowkett is an author. He writes books.' (I know that standards aren't as high as they could be, but this is ridiculous).
As children were filing into assembly the teacher who was going to introduce me said 'Do you pronounce your surname as in the bow of a ship?' I said 'No, it's like bow and arrow. In a school I visted a while ago the librarian introducing me rehearsed it several times and still got it wrong!' The teacher laughed at that and when the audience went quiet she said 'And now I like to introduce our visiting author Mr Steve Bookitt...'
As I was sitting in assembly waiting to be introduced the Head gave the children a good telling off for leaving so much litter around the school, conluding with the words 'And I have no more to say on the matter. But I will add this...'
Recently upon revisiting a school the librarian introducing me said 'And we're pleased to have Steve back. He's become a bit of a fixture.' Just make sure you lift me up when you hoover.
" Are you an OFSTED inspector?" (I think my Winnie-The-Pooh tie gives me away).
(This comment made by a primary Head who sat through the hour-long talk I gave to the whole school) ' Well thank you Mr Bowkett. I'm sure that was very interesting.'
(Overheard, one teacher grumbling to another about a child) 'He just can't concentrate! He just sits there doing his drawing or reads.'
When I run workshops with children I emphasise the value of 'nosiness' - noticing and questioning - as a valuable aspect of thinking and writing. At the end of one workshop day the class teacher, in summing up, said 'And what do you think is the most important idea you can take away today - it begins with 'N'?' And with what I hope was tongue-in-cheek humour the class chorused 'Nothing Miss!'
(From a Deputy Head who met me in the foyer of a school moments after I'd arrived, having set out at 6.00 a.m. that morning...) ' I'm sorry, but the teacher who invited you is off ill with the flu and we haven't organised anything. But are you interested in a day's supply?' (I declined, politely but quickly).
(I get this one often) ' Welcome to our Book Week... I'm afraid I haven't read any of your books.'
(From a scarily stern Headmistress after I suggested to the children - who were all smiles and eagerness - that my storymaking workshop might be lots of fun...) ' Well I don't think that's a very good idea.'
(As Y7 came into the hall buzzing with anticipation at meeting a 'real live author' the Head of Year, keen to create the impression that the children knew how to behave warned them - ) ' Will you please keep the noise down! Can't you see we have an external person with us today!' (This of course is almost as classic as being introduce as a 'Real Live Author', as though the kids couldn't tell the difference).
(And by way of thanking me for the talk through which she had sat, the same Head of Year said -) ' And now you'll be working with Steve in your classrooms where you can see him in person.'
(Overheard in a primary school staffroom) -
- Teacher standing by dishwasher: ' Can I have all the mugs please?'
- Choral reply by several other staff: ' Yes we're coming...
And in another (primary) staffroom I saw this notice, which struck me as a subtle blend of the patronising and the desperate... 'No matter how hard you wish, the staffroom fairy will not come. She does not exist! Please keep the staffroom tidy.'
Note pinned (briefly) to the staffroom door by daring child - Caution! May contain nuts.
From the Postbox...
Dear Mr Bowkett - I have heard from a colleague that you are an author who visits schools. We would love you to come to our school, at your convenience of course, to talk about your books. We might even be able to pay you something out of our general fund... (Letters like this are even worse if they begin 'Dear Mr Bouquette / Banquette / Brokett, etc).
Dear Mr Bowkett - Thank you so much for coming to our school. Your workshop inspired the children in all of the classes you visited to write stories, which I enclose. Please don't worry if it takes you some time to read and mark them. We are all looking forward to your comments... (I sent some comments).
From my INSET evaluations -
'Mr Bowkett talked all morning about creativity and I only got one idea to take away.'
(From the Literacy Co-ordinator introducing me) 'And now I'll hand you over to Steve, who'll show you some of his bits.' I told the group they were in for a treat.
(From a delegate who sat through a one-day StoryMaker presentation) 'Not enough content, too many anecdotes.'
'Evaluation 2/5 (because) I arrived earlier than Steve and this caused some confusion among the venue hosts.'
(From a delegate on my thinking skills presentation) 'All very interesting, but with the National Curriculum to deliver I don't have time to teach the children to think.'
(These comments are from delegates at the same presentation...)
'Some more practical activities for written activities would be useful.' / 'Too literacy based.'
'It would have been been good to have more practical ideas for use within the classroom.' / 'Practical and stimulating.'
(After I ran a workshop session demonstrating the - well researched - educational value of feeling comfortable when faced with ambiguity, uncertainty and information overload, one teacher very tartly commented...) 'I can't be bothered to do this. There's too much information. It's confusing. I like nice simple easy answers.' (Read it and weep...)
Notices spotted in staffrooms -
We are delighted to welcome Mr Steve Bowlett to our school (Feel free to add any variation of my surname. I'll have come across it somewhere).
(Seen in a grey and rather featureless classroom in a City Academy...) Academy Rules - Rule 6: Remember it's not a place to play.
(On the wall above an impossibly cluttered table...) Please leave this work surface clear. (Oh well...).
On the blank front page of a Maths test question paper were written the words 'Blank Page'. This struck me as a delightful paradox.
After I delivered a whole morning of INSET on creativity and thinking I spotted this vital idea scrawled on a teacher's notepad. It was the only thing on the page - 'Lunch'.
Mock SATS in Hall, 8-12 March (Just think 'verb').
The Government has announced a new course on toilet-training for YR teachers called 'Every Child's Matter'.
Parents who think that our students are rude should see the Headteacher.
The spare key to the First Aid Room is available in the First Aid Room.
Criteria for Level 6 Writing: no.4 - 'My spelling and punctuation is accurate.'
- School Development plan...
Do not dump rubbish on my piano.
I would enjoy the day more if it started later.
Please leave these bottles of water alone as they are needed for interview.
Please make sure you clear up your own mess.
Investigators in people - Mr Rigby, 9am-noon.
( Stay tuned, there'll be more!)